"Let's roll..." Todd Beamer United Flight 93 09/11/2001

Well, we are nearing the end of a year that defies description. Everything has been life altering to say the least. I have just finished 6 months of work on a live theater show. While I have one more project this year, I no longer need to be in the theater building itself...except for watching others work to entertain me...

I am needing to get back to basics. Weight loss, exercise, better sleep habits, catching up with my non-theater and non-church friends, eliminating the drama of men in my life, and most importantly getting back into and staying in the Word of God.

I am enjoying a small Bible study group that meets every other week. Sometimes it is just the leaders and me...I love that...lot's of me time in the Word & in prayer.

Let's do this thing...let's roll...

It's the Little Things

Why is it the little things in life are what trip us up? We can have death, disaster, all sorts of tragedy happen, but put a mouse in our house...look out! My life has been turned absolutely upside down this past couple of weeks since I discovered an infestation in my apartment. We have tried DCon peanut butter traps, pouches of poison, and numerous prayers for them to just evaporate. I am going on very little sleep at this point. I just want to get back to the safety & serenity I felt in my own home. What really chafes me is that I am paying for this experience! Fortunately I have a resident manager who is somewhat sympathetic & is trying to come up with any solution.

I just need to get the heck out of Dodge...if I had more avaiable funds I would spend a night in a hotel just to get a good day & nights rest...

Life is what happens while you're busy making plans...

I have spent the better part of this year in mourning. Mourning over the loss of a job/income in January, mourning over the thought of losing my father, mourning over weight, and mourning over the actual loss of my father. It's time for life.

I went to my annual family reunion yesterday on a beautiful day here in the Pacific NW on a beautiful rocky river shore. I had with me my dad's side of the family and one good friend. The friend was there just for me...or so I thought... The friend soon bonded with my family and "played" pirates of the mighty Salmon River for most of the day...:) It was the best day I have had in a long time. I did not even have time to stop & realize who was missing. Yet when I stop now to think, I realize it was he who brought us all together. Heaven smiled.

Life goes on...Thank the Good Lord...

Achieving Normal...

How does one define normality? There are many opinions as to what qualifies as normal behavior, activities, moods, or lifestyles. Well, for me, normal is what gets you peaceful, mindless at times, and best of all what feels familiar.

Dad passed away 2 weeks ago on the 18th of June. It was a blessing and a relief by the time it happened. He is certainly much better off. The family will miss him forever, but we are comforted in the knowledge that we will see him again in the hereafter.

My mother & I have discussed the behavior side of normalcy. Are we behaving as people expect us to? Is it ok to be smiling & laughing? Should my face be somber? Very confusing.

I have certain friends who have been there for me during this entire process. They all fit into different categories. I would be able to talk to all of them about the process I have endured but it is in the way I speak with them that is different. Sometimes that difference is initiated by me, and sometimes by the needs of the friend.

There are some who are my "take me away from this" friends. They send me jokes or make me laugh or just listen to my inane blathering on a message or text. You know who you are and how you all fit into my life.

Some friends of mom's friends have wanted to get right in my face and "discuss" the issues...I'm sorry, have we met...?? Some advice if you are unsure what to say or do when a friend goes through a trama/tragedy...Just be there, just be yourself, There are no "right" things to say also no "wrong" things to say when the intent is good.

Just be ...normal...

Still Crazy After All These Years...

OK...so...dad still kicking...so to speak. He has actually had some great connecting moments with mom. Big SIGH of contentment there! I just know he is going to hold on until right around Father's Day. Anyway life does happen to motate right along. I am in a production of Present Laughter by Noel Coward at our theater company. The performances are set for June. I also get to walk in graduation ceremonies on June 17th. I had a really good birthday weekend recently...42...WOW! Where does the time go. As with most women in their 40's I feel like I am still 20 something (mentally that is).

So where is my sugar daddy??!! I felt sure he would make an appearance by now. I am thinking I may need to break up with my celebrity boyfriend...He is just not cutting the mustard. I have been thinking about some other boys...men...boys whatever lately any way. One is a new man at church. Not sure if he is interested but only time will tell. Also there is a younger one..sweet, funny, cute...young...but sweet, funny, cute...YOUNG...

Limbo

This last week I have very much felt "in limbo" as it were regarding reality. My father was in the hospital again for his alzheimers. The home staff kept thinking he had an infection but turned out it was severe dehydration. He is back at the home now & quite responsive. He recognized my sister who is visiting. That, of course, makes me sigh with contentment. Sharon is bi-polar, anxiety ridden, and prone to heavy depression. The mere fact she made the trip is miraculous. Her husband, Tim, made the journey with her. Tim is a brittle diabetic who is constantly sick. Between the two of them it is a wonder life goes on. They are examples of the phrase "there but for the grace of God go I". Seriously.

I have discovered, yet again, what an incredible group of friends I have. My family aint too shabby neither. :)

So begins the end of my father's life. He will have short spurts of responsive behavior combined with more hospital visits. Hospice services should be around the corner...

Survival

Well I survived jury week w/o having to ever step foot in the Courtroom. As far as my projects go...well the "best laid plans" as Steinbeck would say...Let's hope this next week goes better.

Went to another WW meeting this afternoon & found out I was up 1.something...it's ok though. There was a walking challenge and I need to take it. I once walked 9 miles for charity so I know I can do it again. The challenge is to walk a 5k in June.

My mother called me 2 days in a row re my father being in the home. Yesterday she was a bit down because he was not very responsive...today she called, very happy, to say he was responsive & using his walker she rented for him. He also said he was glad she was there...SIGH... :). It was good to hear that!

Off we go...

Coming Up For Air

Spending the last couple of months being ill in one way or another can make life quite stale. I've decided to come up for air. I am on for potential jury duty this week but am hoping I can have the week to finish my projects at home before a job offer comes. Providing a job offer does come. I had to try to reschedule 2 of them last week due to the respiratory flu. No response from either company after vms & email requests...How Rude!! I guess I am not wanting to work for those people! Well off to update the resume again & get ready to apply for more opportunities. Also must prepare for an audition coming up...more later...

Life changes...yet again

I came to visit my family in hopes of a nice quiet peaceful vacation...Yeah...that didn't happen. Sunday I went to see my father in his alzheimers nursing home...not good. Needless to say I had quite the shock & reacted accordingly. The rest of the day I fought not to eat away my frustrations. My mom & I did go shopping & fortunately I found the 80% clearance rack so I could shop away my frustrations & still have enough money to get home. Monday...I decided I was going to have my peaceful "feel sorry for myself" day...UH Huh...you guessed it, not happenin. I get a call at 4:30pm from my mother that dad is in the ER...brother. I get showered & dressed & get there, hospitals being my favorite vacation spot, to see my dad all gowned & wired up in a trauma room..."E.R" flashbacks. He was there just for some testing due to a possible infection but being there makes everything exaggerated x 10. However...a bright spot...he was fairly cognitive & when asked who I was, he knew! Finally about 6:30pm the nurse said they were going to test for a UTI & that the results would not be in for awhile so we went to dinner. Got a call there that he was being taken back to the home, so we went home. Tuesday...need prayer postings all over FB. Visited dad in the home & he was sound asleep but looked ok. Wednesday...complete veg out day, successfully. More prayer postings on FB, one quite awful. Something in the air. Thursday, today, went to a WW meeting and I have altogether lost 5.2 pounds!! So all is not lost...God is in His Heaven...and the world will just have to deal with it.

Life Changes

I have been remiss in blogging as you can see. My "liberated years" were seemingly restrained of late. Is that even possible to restrain liberation??!! Who even knows anymore.

I have joined the fighting guerillas known as Weight Watchers & have gotten off to a slow but steady start. I have 2 friends who walk & water me at least 1x per week (otherwise I have accidents). I recently completed a show at our local community theater as the director. Ahhh...getting to boss people around & tell them how to be creative...isn't that restraining their liberation??!! Who cares..these are my liberated years not theirs... Let them get as old as me & then they can have it back... Also, I have just graduated from college (several years after the "norm").

I am currently taking a long awaited, much needed vacation from the everyday. I purused the internet & poured over travel brochures and finally came up with the ultimate destination... my parent's house in small town, no it's not the end of the world but you can see it from here, America.

more later...I think mom might be reaching for the last rice cake...